WISE WOMEN ALWAYS GO FOR OLDER MEN OR MORE MATURE MEN
If you were to amuse yourself, as I sometimes do, by studying newspaper marriage license lists, you would probably find more names than you expected of men who have caught the interest of women at least fifteen years younger. Shakespeare says (in Twelfth Night). “Let still the woman take/An elder than herself..
These mattings of one generation with another usually have wide approval too; people seem to derive a pure of satisfaction from learning that an older man has the enterprise to create romance and win against youthful competitors. Old and young enjoyed a vicarious thrill as was true many years ago, when Grover Cleveland, at the age of forty-nine, married the lovely Frances Folsom, only twenty-two. Everyone thought it was tops in romance for so young a girl to bring down a supposedly confirmed bachelor, especially when he happened to be President of the United States.
A Gallic age for brides
In France I used to hear of a mathematic rule for ideal ages at marriage the bride should be half the age of the husband, plus seven. Thus a man of thirty would marry a girl of twenty-two, for a man of fifty, she should be thirty-two, and so on. It seems to work out plausibly. In the United States, the facts do not quite meet the demands of the rule, though they are probably nearer than commonly supposed. A study of marriage figures in New York State (not counting New York City, and for the first marriages only) shows, for example, that for men of thirty and thirty-four, the brides average 5.1 and 6.2 years younger, and the age spread increases as the bridegrooms are older. In from three to four of every hundred marriages, the man is at least fifteen years older than his bride. This indicates that the ratio of older men who like them young is fairly high, for we must consider that the statistical average is pulled down by the great majority of marriages being of people in the early twenties. Nine out of ten of all the young men in the United States will eventually take wives, most of them before they are twenty-five. If figures were compiled separately for marriages in which the man is past forty, they doubtless would show how persistent is the interest in young women as a man grows older. This is even more true for second marriages. And when a man seeks to eliminate a woman by divorce, the reason more often than not is because he has his eye on a younger one.
Now, if we accept that older men prefer to marry younger women, we may ponder a little over how much difficulty or resistance is to be overcome. How much persuasiveness is needed? Not nearly so much as you may think. Unless a man has some noticeable defect or is downright disagreeable, he can count, sooner or later, on catching the interest of a lady young enough to be his daughter and convincing her that he represents opportunity.
The more intelligent the girl, the easier his conquest, for she will recognize that an older man has his points. For one thing, he has had time to demonstrate just how able he is to support a helpmeet. His character is, presumably, fairly well set, his reputation established.
To girls sex is a man, not a boy
The truth is that young women seek maturity in men. Since a woman matures earlier than a man, she doesn’t always find what she wants in one of her own age.
A common situation is for a girl to prefer a lover who also fills her unconscious wish or need for a father. I know a girl whose father was divorced and remarried when she was quite young, and during most of her life she has felt envy for her classmates who enjoyed a father’s protection and devotion. She met a man about twenty years older who courted her with enthusiasm, but what stirred her most was his fatherly way of showing intense interest in whatever she was doing or reading. Another appeal he had was his local fame as a trial lawyer. Women are inclined to meet a man of distinction halfway. On his side, he discovered that without knowing it he had always wanted a daughter. They have been married now for seven years, and it is a happy union because both found what they were unconsciously seeking.
I have known one or two marriages between old and young, based largely on convenience, that have been successful, simply because there was no disappointment. If a girl is seeking a home and security and the man a housekeeper, a mistress, or an intelligent companion, and both gain exactly what they want, then there may be no complaints.
Since a man marrying when along in years is likely to be a widower, he must be careful on one account. Statistics show that a widower is quicker than a widow on the rebound. He should guard against making choice before doing enough window-shopping If a man happens to be a middle-aged bachelor, and then changes his
mind, he, too, must be on his guard, but for a different reason. Perhaps he still doesn’t really wish to be married at all, certainly not unless the match has more in its favor than a sudden notion. Why did he stay a bachelor until well past the usual marrying age? Once he is sure marriage is what he wants, and has lost all fear of finding himself bridled, then he should look for a young widow. It would be a blunder for a middle-aged bachelor to marry a maiden lady near his age. She, also, could be suspect. Why hadn’t she married earlier? She might even be frigid.
Using your head as well
One other type of middle-aged man should watch his step the one who has been divorced a time or two. Many divorced people are repeaters, believing the next marriage will be successful, while the truth is that they are not adapted to teamwork. When it is a question if a man is suited to marriage at all, he might aggravate the difficulties by attaching himself to one of the younger generation.
One of the reasons for an older man marrying a younger woman is doubt- less his craving for his lost youth, or at any rate a desire for incentive to renew his interest in youthful pastimes. Well, why not? According to some- thing I have heard Brother Kinsey quoted as reporting, a man reaches his peak of sex capacity before he is eighteen, and a woman not until she is around thirty. But it doesn’t follow that a man sixty and a woman thirty may not get along pleasantly enough. It’s a common misconception that a man’s sex life is over much earlier than it actually is.
A mating of the older with the younger is all right. At its best it seems to insure more successful marriages than most. The happiest one I know is of a man exactly twenty-five years older than his wife. He was first at- tracted to her because her beauty soothed the retina. But what appealed to him most was the opportunity to offer advantages to a girl who deserved a more comfortable way of life than she had known. He would gain much self-satisfaction out of giving her a charming home, foreign travel, and so on. What he did not know was that she felt much the same way about him. That is, she wanted to “do” for him. She looked upon him as a man who had gone through life unappreciated, and ever since their marriage she has been quietly letting him know what a great old boy he is. No wonder they get along.
The qualities he looks for in a woman, Goldsmith said, are not the “fing glossy surface,” but “such qualities as would wear well.” Now this may seem un-American, but then Goldsmith was not an American.
Despite the dazzling achievements of our cosmetics industry, the haunts couturiers and the like, fewer “fine glossy surfaces are walking down Fifth Avenue than at first it might seem. Certainly they aren’t enough to go around. Just as well. A “line glossy surface” consists of “gloss” and of surface.” Gloss dims and dulls when removed, either by Kleenex or by time. Surfaces, the best of them, decay-or may, similarly, be removed, sheer thing by sheer thing, whalebone by whalebone, lace fancy by lace fancy. What remains is the subject herself, the time undisguisable foundation. There are her qualities; whether or not they wear well is another story That wearability can have nothing to do with gloss or surface. This question, of course, is part of the Great Debate. Never, perhaps, has it been stated with greater pith and passion than in Marya Mannes’ words which follow. Some men will observe that it is a woman who is talking. Yet they dismiss it cavalieres at their own risk and loss. For the sex of the disputant doesn’t matter, the sense and sensibility does. We may conclude that what is being reviewed are the relative merits of a sugary, fizzy, soda pop as against a delicate, mellowed wine, of a particularly good year and perfectly placed vineyard. As a nation we are notoriously addicted to carbonated sugar, though dire voices warn that it can rot liver and teeth, and even cloy the senses. But a fine wine is the soul’s ambrosia, as well as the body’s. The Greeks had a god for wine, but none, so far as anthropologists know, for ginger ale.